


'Paper makes the best bed' and other stories

by idontevenknowugh



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: M/M, Minor Injuries, Nudity, Other, Shenanigans, You've been warned, antics, honeymustard - Freeform, probably inconsistent updates, skeleton cat boys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-31
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2018-08-12 05:33:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7922413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idontevenknowugh/pseuds/idontevenknowugh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Random assortment of scenes with very little connective plot involving the Underfell brothers living with some Underswap cats. Sin will happen someday.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Whelp, Guess I'm Not Sleeping In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, you want to sleep in. You work hard-ish and you deserve to get some extra shuteye. Right? Sometimes your cat doesn’t read the memos you’ve been giving him about when morning is supposed to happen. Sometimes your brother is a dick.

Sans was slowly woken by the not so gentle thudding of feet down the hallway. The sound became steadily louder as they approached his door and then stopped. There was a moment of silence and Sans hoped that the monster outside his bedroom door had gotten distracted and he could just drift back to sleep.

_“Merow!”_

There was a movement next to him as Stretch lifted his head. The larger of the two skeleton cats that had become part of their fucked up little household stared at the door. So far he didn't seem to be inclined to get up yet. He wasn't all that energetic as a rule, generally much more interested in napping the day away. However, if there was anyone who could get him up, it was Blue. The smaller cat was most certainly the one in charge, somehow.

Sans tried to convince his bedmate to stay with some sleepy scritches along his jawline and behind his soft orange ears. Stretch leaned into the touches, _purring_ lightly. Sans heard the sound of Blue _thudding_ down the hallway away from his door and smiled to himself, getting comfortable. Stretch settled back down, continuing to purr. The gentle vibrations and the warmth of the large skeleton cat lulled Sans back to drowsing.

Sans was far past the point of finding the whole situation strange, but there were still things that didn’t make sense. Stretch and Blue were monsters. That much was clear. Probably even some derivative of Sans’s own subspecies. They wore clothes and, most of the time, walked upright for Asgore’s sake. However beyond that, they acted like cats. Not like cat monsters, but like the beasts that would wander into the underground sometimes.

 _Thud thud thud thud thud._ Oh for fuck’s sake. The sound of Blue returning had Sans scowling into his pillow. This wasn’t unusual behavior for the hyper little one. Once Papyrus had left for work he started to get bored. Some days he would get distracted by one of his toys or something outside the window. Others, he wanted Stretch to come play with him. Which, of course, meant making a ruckus outside of Sans’s door. He was so sick of this shit. The larger cat didn’t even seem to have much interest in the activity, but if Blue demanded, then Stretch would give in. Which meant Sans would give in, or deal with two whiny cats instead of just one.

_“Merow!”_

The bed shifted next to him. Sans looked over to see Stretch, well, stretching. A light blush dusted Sans’s skull at the way that the position had Stretch’s, still naked, pelvis propped up, his arms outstretched and his spine straight. His smooth orange tail curled upwards, forming a little hook at the end.

Making one last attempt at a lazy morning for the two of them, Sans reached over and scratched the area where the tail met Stretch’s pelvis. Gratifyingly, the other immediately dropped his arms and torso back down on the bed, though his pelvis was still raised, pushing into Sans’s phalanges. The _purrs_ from the other grew stronger, and he leaned over to head-butt Sans’s femur.

The two skeleton cats didn’t talk or communicate in any way that the skeletons were used to. Sans was still learning to decipher the body language and range of diverse but incredibly similar sounds that the two used, and he wasn’t sure how much they understood from him and Papyrus. Some days it seemed like they understood it all, and some it was like none of it made it through. Sans had a theory that their understanding was entirely dependent on if _they_ wanted to or not.

Satisfied, Sans stopped the scratching and prepared to get some more sleep. He felt Stretch get up, but instead of curling up next to him, the skeleton cat crawled over him, eventually hovering above Sans with an interested look on his face. Sans looked up at the larger monster blearily, not having a chance to react as he realized too late what was happening. Suddenly a rough orange tongue was licking at his frontal bone, his mandible, and everywhere in between.

“starsdamn- stretch!” Sans sputtered and tried to squirm out of the way, but Stretch laid down, straddling Sans’s femurs and pressing their ribs together. The small skeleton finally gave up as the tongue moved down to his clavicle. So much for sleeping in. He raised a hand and stroked along Stretch’s spine, the other’s skull nuzzling his cervical vertebrae.

\--------

Papyrus came home to Blue greeting him at the door, like always. The cat’s bushy blue tail was standing straight up, the tip waving back and forth gently. Papyrus gave Blue a few firm strokes on his skull, and the smaller monster gave him a few purring _moews_ before he ran off to the kitchen. Blue made several trips back and forth between Papyrus and the kitchen while the tall skeleton finished knocking the snow off of his boots and shaking off his scarf.

“YES, I KNOW YOU ARE EAGER TO WATCH THE MIGHTY PAPYRUS IN ACTION, HOWEVER, I NEED TO WASH UP BEFORE I BEGIN.” Papyrus had started on his spike pit today and he was far too muddy to be cooking dinner. Blue just cocked his head at Papyrus, one ear twitching, but when he started for the stairs, the cat was quick to follow.

For that matter, he ran ahead of Papyrus. Blue had a tendency to turn the stairs into an obstacle course. He would get ahead of anyone walking on them and stop randomly. If you weren’t careful, you would run right into him. Sans had sleepily tumbled down the stairs more than once, to the tune of a lot of cursing. Papyrus chose to believe that the behavior was the feline’s way of showing an interest in puzzles and was really quite proud

Grabbing a towel, Papyrus walked towards the bathroom. Blue followed along, pausing once to look over the landing and meow down at Stretch, who was in his usual afternoon position, sprawled out over the couch. Papyrus would never understand the point of such a lazy pet. Then again, Stretch was pretty much the perfect companion for his brother, whose laziness knew no other equal.

Papyrus stepped into the bathroom and held the door for a moment. Blue hovered in the doorway, not quite willing to commit to being trapped in the small room. If there was one behavior of Blue’s that really annoyed Papyrus, it was this. He valued decisiveness, and even once he seemed to have decided something, the cat often changed his mind within moments.

“IN OR OUT!” Papyrus demanded. Blue froze in the doorway and gave him a hurt look. Sighing, Papyrus reached down and picked him up, holding him under the pelvis, and bringing him into the bathroom. Blue’s front paws rested on his scapula, and the cat gave Papyrus a few short licks across his mandible. Papyrus felt himself flush slightly, basking in the attention for a moment before setting Blue down. It was a little cramped with the two of them, but he liked the company, even if Blue just sat outside the shower.

As Papyrus got the water warmed up and prepared to bathe, Blue looked about the room, sniffing at the corners and rubbing his skull against the counter, like he did every time. He tried a few times to bat the cabinet door open, but couldn’t get a good enough grip. Growing quickly bored, he settled down on the bath rug and watched the tall skeleton instead. Papyrus got into the shower and began to wash himself and his battle body clean. Within a few minutes, Blue began to meow at him and bat at the shower curtain.

“STOP THAT. I WON’T BE LONG.”

Of course, Blue didn’t, even going so far as to stick his face through the gap between the curtain and the wall. Papyrus looked down at the movement and saw that Blue’s ears were back and he was eyeing the water nervously. He meowed one more time before an errant drop water splashed him and he quickly disappeared from view. Papyrus chuckled and finished up. When he pulled back the curtain, Blue was seated against the door, as far from the shower as possible. He gave a questioning little meow and stood as Papyrus started to dry off. The tip of his tail tapped anxiously against the door.

“IT’S YOUR OWN FAULT, YOU KNOW.” Papyrus pointed out as he opened the door. Blue moved to let it open and then scampered off as soon as there was a gap big enough to fit through, almost knocking Papyrus over in the process.

\---------

Papyrus was working on dinner when Sans got home. Blue sat on a kitchen chair nearby, watching him. Stretch, of course, hadn’t moved except that he was laying on his spine now. He didn’t even get up to greet Sans. That, Papyrus thought to himself, is why Blue is the superior cat.

After their standard greeting of a quick rub to the ribs for Stretch, Sans walked into the kitchen and looked over Papyrus’s shoulder, as if they would be having anything other than his astounding lasagna. “ya need to do somethin’ bout blue, bro. play with ‘im in the mornin’ or somethin’. he woke us up waaaaay too early. again”

“AS IF I HAVE TIME FOR THAT, YOU LAZY ASS! BESIDES, I THINK IT’S ADMIRABLE THAT BLUE IS RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH TO GET YOU UP IN THE MORNING.” Papyrus turned to scratch Blue under the chin, and the cat’s eyelights morphed into stars.

“he’s not bein' responsible, bro. he’s bored.” Sans leaned against the counter and gave him a look like he was an idiot. Papyrus lifted his skull, looking down at his brother. Not like that took much effort on his part, but it made him feel a bit better.

“AT LEAST HE’S NOT ALWAYS SLEEPING, LIKE STRETCH.” At his name, the larger cat gave an inquisitive _mrrr_ from the living room, but didn’t get up. Point made.

“hey now, nappin’s a perfectly respectable hobby.” Sans leaned out of the kitchen to give Stretch a thumbs up before returning to the topic at hand. “just don’t want ‘im cryin’ outside my door every mornin'. there’s gotta be somethin’ you can do.”

\-------

The next morning, Sans groaned at the familiar thudding of Blue racing towards his door. Instead of stopping, however, they got even louder and then suddenly the smaller cat was landing on his bed.

“fuck!” He flailed, surprised by the sudden intrusion. Blue head-butted Stretch on the scapula before sitting down on the bed between him and Sans. It had already been pretty crowded on Sans’s mattress with just him and Stretch, and he could feel himself slipping off the edge with the addition of a third body. Looking over at the door, he saw that it was open, probably his brother’s doing. This was **not** what he had in mind.

Grumbling, he tried to shove Blue down the bed, where he would be out of the way. Blue just pushed into his phalanges, like he was getting pets. His tail swished happily, hitting Stretch in the face with each pass, but the larger cat didn’t seem to care. Sans wondered if he had truly met his match as far as sleep went.

He was startled from further thoughts by a paw hitting his skull, to the left of his sockets. Blue gently bapped his paw against Sans’s skull two more times before lowering it halfway and looking at him expectantly. Sans gave up and let himself slide off the mattress. Turns out it was a good thing he never got a frame.

Blue moved forward and stuck his face right up into Sans’s, who regarded the cat with a scowl. What now? After sniffing him for a minute, Blue licked right along Sans’s nasal bone. The sensation of the rough tongue sent shivers down his spine. A strange, unpleasant tingling sensation lingered even after Blue had sat back.

“what the fuck, blue?” Sans grumbled and started to get up. He rubbed at the bone ineffectually. Satisfied, Blue ignored him and started to nip, paw and lick at Stretch, trying to get him up. The larger cat swatted at him lazily, but Blue just saw that as a game and started to attack him in earnest. Sans stood there trying not to smile. He was mad, dammit.

* * *

Next? 

Phalanges under the blanket

Starsdamnit, I was reading that

Well good for you, but it’s  _ my  _ chair!


	2. If you do that one more time...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It turns out that cats have a very loose concept of personal property. It also turns out that they are incredibly cute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cat behavior suggestions welcome. If I don't get any, then you keep getting my cat’s favorite shenanigans.

Sans was on the couch, but instead of his usual nap he was laying on his ribs, playing with Stretch. The skeleton had discovered the funniest damn behavior in the large cat, and he just couldn’t stop himself. Stretch rarely played, and even then only half heartedly, but apparently Sans had not employed the proper methodology until now.

Stretch was laying along the couch on the floor, right under Sans. Using one his shoelaces, he dangled it in front of the lazy cat, wiggling it slightly. Stretch watched it intensely, but passively. However, when Sans moved his hand around the side of the couch, slowly dragging the cord from view, that’s when things got interesting. Stretch’s pelvis shot up and started to wiggle hilariously. Then suddenly he would dart forward, around the corner and slam his paw unerringly down on the shoelace. Sans supposed that the display of agility and force should be somewhat terrifying, especially paired with the wicked claws the other could deploy, but the starsdamn ass wiggle! Not to mention that he was getting so excited over a shoelace of all things. He just couldn’t find any monster that behaved like that truly threatening.

After a bit of tugging, Sans was able to reclaim his shoelace. Stretch didn’t actually put any effort into keeping it, of course; he just didn’t move his paw. It took a bit of manipulation to get the cat back into position to repeat the process, but it was worth it. Stretch seemed perfectly happy to chase the lace as many times as Sans wanted, but after a while the skeleton felt his arm tire. He let go of the cord after Stretch caught it this time, just to see what he would do.

Stretch’s first reaction was to sit up and stare up as Sans, clearly well aware of Sans’s part in the manipulation of the cord. Sans grumbled down at him. Stretch just kept staring, even removing his paw from the shoelace, as if offering Sans its return. Sans was too lazy to continue, though and just stared back. Seeming to recognize that playtime was in fact over, Stretch bent his head down, picked up the lace in his teeth, and ran upstairs with it.

“fuck, stretch! i need that!” Sans fell off the couch in his rush to follow the cat.

\------------

Their nighttime ritual had needed to be modified once they gained the additions to their household. Normally, Papyrus abhorred changing his routine, but he recognized that, as a soon-to-be member of the Royal Guard, he had to learn to be adaptive. It didn’t matter one bit that the new routine ended with Blue curled up against his rib cage.

Sans walked into the room, Stretch right on his calcaneus. As Sans selected a book for the night, Papyrus called for Blue. It only took a moment for the gentle thudding of feet to make it up the stairs and over to his door. The small cat was running on all fours, like he tended to do when he was excited. He entered the room at full speed, using his claws to make the tight turn. Papyrus winced at the sound of the claws ripping at their carpet. He didn’t have time to worry too much about it because Blue then crashed into Stretch with a _merp_. Stretch didn’t even react, just waited for Blue to orient himself with a gentle swishing of his tail.

Sans shook his head at the enthusiastic cat as he sat down on the chair next to his bed. “he’s gonna hurt himself one of these days, bro.”

“DON’T BE AN IDIOT, SANS. HE IS FAR TOO COMPETENT TO EVER INJURE HIMSELF, JUST LIKE THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE PAPYRUS.” Papyrus brought a hand to his ribs and turned his skull to pose dramatically.

Glancing out of one socket, he saw Sans gave him a knowing look, and Papyrus fought to keep his pose going. He refused to acknowledge any of the minor bumps and bruises that Sans was probably thinking of. His brother had a tendency to overreact. Silence reigned long enough that Papyrus was shaking in his attempt to stay still. Eventually, Sans rolled his eyelights and gave up. He opened the book and settled in to read to him. Papyrus laid down, thrilled with his victory.

Blue, having regained his feet, hopped up onto the bed, Stretch soon to follow. It got a little cramped on his bed this way, but it was necessary. Blue sat down next to Papyrus’s ribs and Stretch laid down next to his legs. As Sans began to read, Stretch began to laboriously groom Blue via a lot of short licks.

He spent most of his time on the big fluffy tail, the fur much more prone to catching debris. Then the large cat groomed his paws, and lastly his ears. By then, Blue had curled himself into a ball and was _purring_ away. It was just about the only thing that Stretch put any effort into, and it was also the only way that Blue calmed down enough to sleep. Just like Sans reading to Papyrus. The story over, Papyrus drowsily watched Sans and Stretch head to the smaller skeleton’s room. The household fell into peaceful slumber.

\---------

Papyrus was woken by a plastic clacking noise. It came in threes. Clack. Clack. Clack. Then there was a pause. Clack. Clack. Clack. It took him a little while to regain enough consciousness to seek out the source of the noise. Looking to his left, he noticed a large, dark form on his table.

“WHA?” He managed.

The form lifted a limb and he watched it gently bump one of his action figures. Clack. Clack. Clack. Oh fuck no.

“BLUE,” he said, warning in his voice, “STOP THAT.”

He almost hoped it had worked. There was a very long pause in which the skeleton cat didn’t attack his precious sexy robot. Papyrus felt sleep dragging at his skull.

Clack. Clack. Papyrus snapped back to waking with a, “BLUE!” The form jumped off of the table and went to go sulk somewhere near his computer. He couldn’t bring himself to feel bad. He was too tired and almost immediately drifted off again.

Clack. Clack. Clack. Papyrus awoke, furious this time. He sat up fully and started at the silhouette of the cat monster. “DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT,” he warned.

Clack. Papyrus noticed that he must have missed some of Blue’s attack on his beloved figurine, as it was just about to fall of the table. It would only take a gentle nudge from the cat. Papyrus felt his soul beat faster at the prospect. What if it broke? He tossed the covers back and prepared to stand and rescue it.

Clack. Freezing, Papyrus stared, horrified as the figurine tumbled to the floor. “You’re fucking dead!” he snarled quietly, and Blue leapt down and raced out of the room.

\----------

Sans woke to a very peculiar morning. Papyrus, it must be his ‘day off’, was in the kitchen cooking breakfast. He did so with a certain air that told Sans that he was in a bad fucking mood. Sans would have happily gone right back to bed and left Papyrus to be pissy by himself, but he just had to know.

Blue was lying on the floor outside of the kitchen on his spine, which was bent about as much as was physically possible. He was making a rather crude ‘c’, with his front paws folded above his rib cage and his back stretched out awkwardly. His tail tumped against the ground upon seeing Sans and he let out a plaintive meow.

“why’s blue doing that?” he asked sleepily as he cautiously approached the coffee pot. Papyrus slammed the oven door in reply. Sans jumped slightly and looked back at the cat monster in question. He wasn’t exactly sure what about the cat would make his brother this angry. Personally, he had been delighted that Blue had something to occupy himself with this morning besides waking him and Stretch.

“BLUE,” Papyrus said the word with such venom that Sans stared at him, shocked. He had never heard his brother refer to the cat with such hostility. “MISBEHAVED” Papyrus finished, with an angry flourish of his spoon. Still, that was pretty mild for the tall skeleton. Sans had been described many worse ways over the years. Sans poured himself coffee and walked back over to consider the monster in question.

“that ain’t like ‘im, bro. what’d he do?” Sans looked back at the little cat, who had twisted himself into an even more impossible position. He was now pretty much an ‘o’, with one front paw stretched out to meet his rear paws.

“HE ATTACKED MY BATTLE FIGURINES,” Papyrus declared, oblivious to the contortions his cat was going through, or maybe not. Sans caught a small twitch of his skull in Blue’s direction. He must be trying not to look. Even Sans, who was not Blue’s biggest fan, found the behavior kind of cute. He could only guess that Papyrus had busied himself with cooking in order to keep from losing to the tactic.

Snorting at the methodology of the two’s little spat, Sans sipped his coffee. “bad cat,” he intoned sarcastically. Blue just wiggled a little, stretching out more. He let out a little _merp_ and caught Sans’s sockets with his own. His eyelights were wide and innocent looking. Sans had to appreciate the solid manipulation techniques at least.

“SANS, THIS IS SERIOUS! HE BROKE METATTON’S WHEEL OFF.” Now Sans did glare at Blue. That fucking diva charged a fortune for those things. He wondered if there was enough in his Christmas stash for a new one. If so, that was all he was going to manage this year.

“IT WAS MY FAVORITE,” Papyrus just about wailed. ”NOT TO MENTION SANTA,” he added with a nervous tone. Startled, Sans turned to stare at him. He kind of figured that Papyrus was just playing along these last several years. His brother did love to be dramatic. It hadn’t occurred to Sans that not only did Papyrus still believe in Santa, for stars sake he had met the king and the outfit wasn't that good, but he still believed that Santa was a vindictive fuck.

To be fair, Asgore was an intimidating guy, crappy Santa outfit or no, and he did use the farce to impress the need to be good little children on the kids each year. It was a vague attempt to keep them from becoming a thorn in Undyne's side later. Papyrus, however, was an adult. Sans had assumed that he had figured it out years ago. Oh, Sans was going to have fun with that this year.

Still, he glared at Blue on his way to the living room, his Christmas gift plans ruined. Blue’s only response was to twist his body so that he was curled the other way. Sans wondered why the motion was even cuter than the pose. What was wrong with him!? When he gave the position any real thought, it made his joints ache.

Sans shoved at Stretch until he made enough room for the skeleton to sit down on the couch. As soon as he did Stretch sat up, making his efforts pointless. The cat rearranged himself so he was sprawled over Sans’s femurs, his torso resting on the arm of the couch. His tail swished back and forth, hitting Sans’s humerus. Sans ignored him and turned on the TV.

When Sans failed to pet him, Stretch curled in towards Sans, head butting his other humerus and almost making him spill his coffee. Sans growled at him and set the mug down. Stretch only did it again, this time at his radius and ulna, and nuzzled at Sans in an attempt to maneuver his skull under Sans’s phalanges.

Sans found himself absently scratching at the smooth bone, despite his annoyance, and zoned out to the TV. Suddenly, a plate of lasagna was thrust into his face. Taking it, he held it above Stretch and wondered how, exactly, he was supposed to eat it with the other on his lap. Neither Stretch or Papyrus seemed to care.

His brother just sat on the opposite end, pushing Stretch’s tail out of the way. Blue bounded over and plopped himself at Papyrus’s feet before continuing his contortions and nuzzling Papyrus’s tibia and fibula. He was in the ‘c’ position now. A bit of twisting later, he was laying on his side, with his front paws stretched up and out and his back paws doing the same. Sans decided that this would be his ‘k’ position.

Sudden realization had Sans bursting out laughing. Startled, Stretch jumped down from his lap and walked away. Sans couldn’t even care he was laughing so hard.

“SANS, WHAT THE FUCK?”

“‘s nothin’ bro. ya had to see it.” Sans was tearing up.

Papyrus looked at him like he was crazy. Fair enough. They ate in relative silence, Sans chuckling occasionally. After he was done Papyrus sighed, setting his plate aside, and pat his lap. With an excited meow, Blue hopped up and made himself comfortable.

* * *

**Next?**

Wonder when they brought cats on this show?

Afpo9 uja[‘ojwemsfjoi a[‘;22/8

What the fuck did you just eat???


	3. Why does he become my cat when he's in trouble?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just because they deserve it doesn’t mean it’s not your fault. (but nothing bad happens, really! I know it's me, but I promise!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An update! Thank you all for the comments! <3

A crash and loud, incoherent yelling from his brother drew Sans to the landing railing. Looking down, he caught sight of a red blur as it headed for the stairs, leaving a trail of the color in its wake. 

“no way, furball.” Sans trapped the fleeing monster in place with his magic. Finding that he couldn't move, Blue somehow rolled over and turned the charm on full force. Turns out it isn't that hard to resist Blue’s contortions of cute while he’s coated in spaghetti sauce. 

“what’s blue and fluffy and red all over?” Sans asked, voice mocking. Blue just twitched an ear at him. 

“OH GOOD, YOU CAUGHT HIM.” Papyrus stomped out of the kitchen, splashes of red on him as well. Sans tried not to laugh. His brother was dripping. 

“LOOK AT THE CARPET!” He glared at the cat monster, “BLUUUE.” He said, voice threatening.

Blue’s ears flattened to his skull, his tail tapping nervously against the floor. He wiggled so he was in a full ‘o’ position, and gave Papyrus a little merr. 

Papyrus ignored him and went to dig through the closet. “GO GIVE HIM A BATH!”

“what? he’s your cat. you wash ‘im.”

“I NEED TO GET THIS UP BEFORE IT STAINS.” Papyrus paused in his retrieval of cleaning supplies to gesture violently at the floor. “SO GO FUCKING CLEAN HIM UP. WHILE YOU’RE AT IT BRING DOWN HIS CLOTHES AND STRETCH’S.” Papyrus went back to his search. 

“why stretch’s?” Sans ground his teeth. Bathing Blue was going to be bad enough. Stretch hated laundry day and often spent it hiding after scratching Sans up for taking the garments. 

“MIGHT AS WELL, SINCE I NEED TO RUN THE WASH. BRING YOURS AS WELL.”

Sans wanted to scream. He had some very important nap plans this afternoon, not that his brother would even respect them if he brought them up. 

“‘m only one monster, bro.” He griped as he came downstairs and picked Blue up by the back of his shirt. The cat monster didn't seem to appreciate that, but there was no way Sans was getting tomato sauce on his jacket.

“STOP WHINING LIKE THE PATHETIC WASTE OF SPACE THAT YOU ARE AND GO FUCKING DO IT!” Papyrus might have actually broken his own volume records on that one. “GIVE STRETCH A BATH TOO.”

“sure thing, boss,” Sans replied snidely, absolutely certain that Stretch would be even worse when it came to bath time, but unwilling to argue with Papyrus while he was this worked up.

\-------

Getting Blue out of his messy clothing was no big deal. Sans made a big deal out it, anyways, to make sure Stretch had no idea he was next. The larger cat stuck close and nuzzled at Sans, possibly as a distraction to save Blue from his fate. He failed, and Sans dragged Blue into the bathroom to give him a quick scrub down. Blue yowled when he realized he was being taken towards the full tub, and his claws bit into Sans’s humerus painfully as he desperately tried to avoid his fate. 

“stars fucking dammit, cat.” Sans broke out his magic again, first pulling Blue towards the back wall of the bathroom and then releasing it so he fell down into the water. Blue reached out with his claws and grabbed at the shower curtain, but it did nothing to save him. 

Once he was in the water he struggled less, though he stuck to wailing at full volume. There were answering meows from the other side of the bathroom door, and at one point Stretch batted at the door in an attempt to open it. 

After some cursing from Sans and more scratches from Blue, the cat monster was scrubbed clean and dried off. Sans opened the door with some hesitation, and sure enough Stretch was sitting right outside the door. He meowed at Blue and gave him a few licks before the door was opened fully. Once it was, Blue ditched Stretch, Sans, and the towel to flee out into the house stark fucking naked. 

After he got over his surprise and bemusement, Sans noticed that Stretch was still sitting next to the bathroom door. With a subtle movement he grabbed the cat’s soul with blue magic and had it pull the larger cat towards the bathroom. As Stretch felt the shift, he answered with a yelp. At the last minute, the cat managed to get his claws into the carpet and stopped himself. Impressive. Sans switched the magic’s direction to down and knelt to slowly unhook each and every claw. He held them up as he switched the pull of the magic again. Quickly he stepped in himself and shut the door.

Trapping himself with an angry predator the size of a fully grown Papyrus. Fuck.

\---------

Sans limped into the kitchen and sat down, hissing with pain as he did. 

“WERE YOU ATTACKED?” Papyrus stopped what he was doing to stare. There was hardly a single bone that wasn’t injured to some degree. 

“in a manner of speaking, yes.” Sans stared angrily at the table. 

“HOW DID YOU MANAGE THAT? YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE GIVING THE CATS BATHS.”

Sans looked up and gave him a long suffering stare. Oh. That would explain why all he could spot were scratch marks. 

“DID YOU SUCCEED, AT LEAST?” Papyrus drew himself to his full height, fully prepared to not mention that he had set his brother to that particular task. 

“blue got a bath. he’s off hiding.”

“AND STRETCH?”

Silence from his brother. As if he had been listening and waiting to mock Sans, Stretch walked into the kitchen, fully clothed and dry. Looking at his brother while he examined his various wounds, Papyrus decided that the cat could keep his damn clothes. 

Laundry started, stains lifted, Sans bandaged, and dinner  _ finally _ in the oven, Papyrus went hunting for Blue. He eventually found the cat under his monster truck bed, cleaning his tail in an effort to return it to its fluffy majesty. Papyrus didn't bother holding back a snicker at just how much smaller Blue looked without the fluff. Blue twitched an ear, but otherwise studiously ignored him. 

Papyrus reached out and tried to scratch the top of Blue’s skull with his phalanges, to calm him down. Blue didn't move, just shifted his skull back, slowly retreating from Papyrus’s touch. When his skull had gone as far as Blue’s cervical vertebrae would allow, Papyrus was able to give the smooth bone of his skull a couple of scritches. As he did so, Blue’s ears went back and his eyelights darkened. As soon as the phalanges were removed, his ears perked back up and his sockets brightened. 

Papyrus felt his soul sink slightly at the reaction. Blue was normally so affectionate. Apparently baths were one of the few things that could dampen the cheerful cat monster’s mood. The skeleton reminded himself that he had no reason to feel bad. It wasn't like Papyrus could have let him go around covered in tomato sauce! 

“WELL BE THAT WAY!” He declared before he stood and made his way out of the room. 

\---------

Stretch didn't seem to be upset over Sans bathing Blue, or his attempt at bathing Stretch himself. Mostly he just seemed smug. Sans ground his teeth in frustration as he tried to figure out how this cat monster, who had shown up out of nowhere, could fucking teleport. 

Sans sat on his mattress and observed the large, sleeping cat. Things were starting to smell a bit fishy, and for once it wasn't Undyne. Sans chucked at his own joke. Stretch’s ear twitched at the noise, but he didn't stir. In the end, Sans didn't know the next thing about these monsters who had just appeared in their lives. 

For that matter, Sans had thought he and Papyrus were taking the cats in, keeping them inside and safe. If Stretch could teleport, then he was here by choice. Had Sans chosen to take in Stretch or had the cat monster moved into his house? Did he sneak out? That would explain why there were times Sans just could not seem to find him no matter how hard he looked.

Ignoring his own interest in keeping the cat around, he needed to consider if it was a good idea to keep these two mysterious monsters around Papyrus. If anything happened to him…

Sans was startled from his thoughts by a lick on his patella. He realized that he had begun absently petting Stretch. Flushing, he pulled his phalanges back. The mellow cat monster simply raised his skull and looked at Sans. This time he licked Sans’s cheek bone, making him shiver. 

Sans had the vague feeling that he was in over his head. 

\---------

As Papyrus settled into bed, he frowned at the absence of his bed mate. Blue hadn't even shown himself for dinner. That certainly wasn’t healthy! Sans had left some monster candies on the floor just under the bed after Papyrus had expressed his concerns. They were no substitution for his home cooking, but it would have to do. 

After that was settled, the skeletons had their normal reading time while Stretch stuck his skull under the bed to check on Blue. It wasn't as relaxing that way, however, and Papyrus found that he was still quite awake when Sans and Stretch left. 

He called out for the cat, quietly. He wasn’t all that proud at how much he desired the fluffy monster's presence, and the last thing he needed was for Sans to hear him. However, he was having trouble getting comfortable without the feel of the other monster next to him. There was no response, however, and he couldn't see any movement in the dark room. Sulking, Papyrus tried again to settle into sleep without Blue.

Suddenly there was a light merp, and a weight on the foot of his bed. An unwelcome thrill of happiness ran through him as Blue walked over and settled by his torso. The warmth of the other monster was immediately apparent even through the covers. 

Papyrus reached out and pet along Blue’s skull a few times. Blue pressed into his phalanges, and Papyrus knew he had been forgiven. He felt Blue flop onto his side and then roll onto his spine. Papyrus obliged by scratching at the cat monster’s sternum. Except that he didn't encounter the soft fabric of Blue’s shirt this time. 

The tall monster felt his skull heat as he realized that Blue was still naked. Papyrus had his clothes, all folded and ready, but had been unable to dress the cat while he hid. That didn't seem to bother Blue one bit, and he twisted so that his skull ran into Papyrus’s ribcage.

Papyrus gave him another scratch on the sternum, falling into a sleepy but consistent pattern. Without any warning, claws settled gently on his carpals and Blue’s skull whipped around. Papyrus froze as he felt teeth on one of his phalanx, but Blue just nibbled at the bone lightly, followed by a few swipes of his tongue. 

Papyrus was confused. Blue had clearly enjoyed the touches, and didn't seem especially scared or upset. He hadn't even moved to a more defensive position. He just released Papyrus and wriggled a bit more. Rather than try and decipher the mystery that was his cat, Papyrus settled in to get some sleep, Blue purring by his side. 


	4. There goes the lamp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cats and dogs go together like...well there goes that analogy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, and update! Sorry for the long wait.

“BLUE, STOP THAT!” Papyrus stood to his full height and held his feather duster above his head. The result being that Blue proceeded to jump all around him, reaching to try and catch the cleaning implement. Papyrus strived for his best glare, but the little hops and the excited stars the cat had for eyelights were not helping him maintain his superior attitude. It was very unbecoming of the Great and Terrible Papyrus to find anything this damn cute.

It took him a moment to realize that he was unconsciously wiggling the duster, egging Blue on. What was he doing? He needed to finish this up before Sans and Stretch woke up and got in his way. Turning his spine to the cat, Papyrus bent down and began to dust the TV. Blue tried to go around him to the left, so he shifted his body to block the way. The small monster ran into him and merped. Blue ran around to his right and he shifted again with the same result. The cat monster, finding his quarry unreachable, turned his attention elsewhere. As per usual, Papyrus succeeded at everything he set his mind to.

However, a loud knock interrupted him not long after he got back into the flow of tidying the house. Grumbling, he set aside the feather duster and made his way to the door. Blue raced ahead of him and paced excitedly in front of the door. Papyrus gently nudged him aside with one boot and opened the door. He wondered if he shouldn’t find some way to dissuade the cat from being so friendly. Strangers weren’t always safe. Today, however, it wasn’t a stranger at the door.

“HELLO, DOGGO. CAN I DO SOMETHING FOR YOU?” Papyrus stepped aside and gestured emphatically towards the inside of the house. Doggo always seemed to like it when he was extra energetic with his speech.

The dog monster smiled at him, and stepped inside, “Hi Papyrus. Yeah, I was wondering-”

“HSSSSSSSSS” Papyrus turned, shocked, to find that Blue’s tail had grown impossibly large, his ears flat to his skull, and his eyelights were small and sharp. He was staring at Doggo, and had brought his paws up. No, Papyrus could see the glint of claws. Blue didn’t ever bring out his claws except when he got too excited playing.

Doggo froze, staring right back. His tail was just barely moving side to side. Inviting the dog in, Papyrus thought, might have been a bad idea.  
\----------  
Sans was woken by a loud crash. Snapping awake, with magic blazing in his left socket, he threw open his bedroom door to witness chaos in its purest form. Doggo was in their fucking house chasing Blue around their fucking living room, and gradually destroying fucking everything. Papyrus stood by the door, yelling unhelpfully.

“BLUE, COME HERE!”

“DOGGO, STOP THAT!”

“WILL YOU TWO JUST CUT THIS SHIT OUT!?”

Sans was about to use his magic and separate the two by force when a large, graceful form lept four legged over the starsdamn railing and landed solidly on Doggo. The dog monster was knocked to the ground, wheezing. Stretch sat down on him, calm as a cucumber, and began to lick at his paw.

Blue, noticing that someone came to his aid, began to move slowly closer to the other cat and the trapped dog. He was moving cautiously on all fours, and when Doggo made an attempt at getting up, Blue jumped backwards about three feet with with a little mrr. Sans snorted and moved to walk downstairs, magic quieting as he did so.

“looks like he got the jump on ya, mutt.”

Doggo growled at him, “Since when do you two have cats living with you?” He almost sounded hurt. Snowdin had long been a dog and rabbit town. Sans couldn’t resist the urge to tease him. Just a bit.

“found ‘em out in the woods one day. had to take them in, for the good of everyone. just imagine if you and the rest of the mutts had run into blue out there. sentry stations would be abandoned for cat chases. i would be the only one left, and clearly snowdin would descend into lawlessness.” He nodded at Doggo sagely. “it would be a cat-astrophe.”

“OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE, SANS!” Papyrus interjected. “I WOULD BE AROUND TO KEEP THINGS IN ORDER.”

“that’s true, paps.” Sans rolled his eyes at Doggo where Papyrus couldn’t see. “com’on stretch. off you go.”

Sans grabbed ahold of Stretch’s hoodie and tugged. Stretch didn’t budge. Blue was circling them, trying to get closer but still clearly scared. Oh for fuck’s sake. So Sans tried pushing Stretch instead. Again, the skeleton cat didn’t move.

“stretch,” he said with a whole lot of warning in his voice. Stretch seemed to actively not look at him, bringing one paw up to scratch at his ear. His tail swayed lazily, close to the floor. Growling, Sans grabbed Stretch’s soul with his magic. With an undignified merp and a betrayed look, the lanky cat was lifted off of Doggo and deposited on the couch.

“stay, or so help me.” Sans pointed at him and glared before turning and leveling the same look at Doggo and Blue. Blue had made it to the prone monster and was very tentatively sniffing him. Doggo was lying as still as he possibly could because even the smallest movement from him made Blue jump slightly in a way that Sans admittedly found hilarious. Still, this could not go on.

“A little help here?” He asked, and suddenly Papyrus was striding by to pick up Blue and hold him on one hip, leaving his other arm free. The small skeleton cat jumped slightly, but once he realized who it was he settled into Papyrus’s arms with a small meow and a headbut to his the tall monster’s mandible.

“I APOLOGIZE FOR THIS, DOGGO.” Papyrus said, and offered his other hand to assist him to his feet. “I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT TO LOCK BLUE IN MY ROOM.”

“Oh, um, naw. I shouldn’t have let my instincts take over.” Doggo said sheepishly as he took Papyrus's phalanges and stood. He seemed surprised as Papyrus lifted him without effort. The dog monster started to shuffle towards the door, eying Stretch nervously as he passed Papyrus and Blue. Stretch looked on, relaxed but alert. Sans made sure to stand in front of Stretch, but he wasn't sure how much good he’d actually be of the cat decided to strike again.

“SO, WHAT DID YOU NEED TO ASK ME?” Papyrus asked, drawing Sans’s attention. He noticed that his brother was absently stroking Blue’s spine with his free phalanges.

“Huh? Oh, yeah. I was actually looking for Sans.” Doggo stopped and turned to walk cautiously over to the smaller skeleton. “Would you mind trading shifts next Wednesday?”

It was a pretty rare request, as there wasn’t usually much going on in town, but Sans knew better than to pry. “i gotta check with my other job. let you know-.”

Suddenly there was something pressed up against Sans’s spine. He startled, his left eyelight blazing briefly before he realized that it was Stretch. The large cat was on two feet, hovering over him, and staring at Doggo. Said monster bit off a pathetic little yelp and beelined for the door.

“Okay see you tomorrow bye.” He threw out, and he was gone.

Glaring, Sans rounded on Stretch. “why did you do that?” he growled. Stretch suddenly became much more preoccupied with his grooming again, backing off and sitting on the couch. Sans continued to glare at him as he licked his paw and then rubbed it along his skull. Exasperated, Sans turned to Papyrus, but he was already occupied with putting their house to rights. Blue was following and playing with random bits of debris.

Seeing that his anger wouldn’t be acknowledged, Sans began to pick up the pieces of their broken lamp aggressively. He was pretty sure that the shop didn’t carry lamps. A special order would take at least a week. As Sans was contemplating making the trip to New Home himself he almost missed Stretch’s departure for upstairs.

“stretch-” he tried to call after the skeleton cat, but he didn’t even get an ear swivel in his direction. Then Stretch was gone.


	5. Why Do I Even Bother Buying You Things?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sans actually had this whole cat thing figured out pretty well, for once, and Papyrus has a better day than he expected. Blue and Stretch just cat all over the place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays, lovelies! There’s snow on the ground and I am feeling festive! And cats make the festivities that much more ridiculous, right? 
> 
> If you have any pet holiday shenanigans, please share them in the comments! I love reading about pet shenanigans. I’ll start with my own in the end notes. ^_^
> 
> I hope you all have a great holiday season! <3

Papyrus opened his present from Santa with no small amount of trepidation. What if his apology letter hadn't been sufficient? Maybe he should have gone to see the monster himself when he was in town. A verbal apology would have been better. He could have brought Blue and made him apologize as well. The box in front of him was easily large enough for quite the sophisticated trap.

He had noticed that each of the cats also had a box under the tree, but Sans had insisted that Papyrus go first. Sans, once again, had not received anything from Santa. Papyrus didn't bother asking. Every year it was the same answer.

“too lazy to write ‘im. ‘sides, i don't need anythin’.”

One year, Papyrus had tried to point out that pretty much all of Sans’s clothes needed to be replaced, especially his ratty old jacket. Sans had been deeply offended, and it had almost ended in a fist fight. Once he was in the guard, he was going to buy his brother a new jacket, just out of spite.

Papyrus unwrapped the box and carefully pulled off the tape. Upon opening the box he found a slightly smaller one inside. It was also wrapped. Within that one was another, and then another, and so on. The skeleton only felt his anxiety grow as he unwrapped each one, certain that he was growing ever closer to his punishment.

“geeze, paps. open your present already.” Sans teased him from the couch. Papyrus already had four boxes around him, more than enough for his brother to understand what was happening. He just liked seeing him suffer. Well, Papyrus refused to show his fear.

So Papyrus continued to unwrap box after box until he got to one about the size of a brick. He was about to start on that one when a movement to his left distracted him. Amongst the sea of wrapping paper, a fluffy blue tail moved about, jerking this way and that as the owner attacked scraps of paper. The tail vibrated excitedly as Blue meowed and merped along with the crinkle of the paper.

“STOP THAT,” he hissed. “I NEED TO CONCENTRATE TO MAKE SURE THERE ISN’T A SWITCH INSIDE THIS GIFT.” Blue’s skull appeared, his ears twitching as he contemplated the item Papyrus held. He should have never gotten Blue’s attention. The cat trotted over to Papyrus and, without a concern in the world, rubbed the side of his skull against the sharp corner of the box.

Papyrus tensed and waited for the box to explode or do something equally as horrible, but the only result was Sans cracking up behind him. He turned to glare as his brother laughed so hard he was bent over his femurs. Stretch, who was curled up next to him lifted his head and nudged his skull as he finally fell into gasping wheezes that Papyrus supposed were technically more laughter, but just sounded sad.

“SANS, THIS IS VERY SERIOUS. IF THIS HAD BEEN A BOMB, YOU COULD HAVE BEEN CAUGHT UP IN THE BLAST, AND WITH YOUR…YOUR…”

Sans had stopped laughing, and while his rib cage still heaved with the remnants of his amusement, there was no humor left in the motion. Papyrus felt a pang of regret.

“yeah, got it, bro. just open the fucking box,” Sans groused as he took another sip of eggnog that was likely more whiskey than anything. Papyrus flushed and went back to inspecting the package while Blue watched, occasionally trying to bat at it. Papyrus fended him off until he deemed it safe, and then opened the flap.

Everything was forgotten as he stared at a brand new MTT figurine, the one with the removable arms, even. This one could switch between Mettaton with a chainsaw, an axe, a mic, and even a flamethrower. He could hardly believe it. Far from being punished, Santa had given him something even better than the one that had broken. He made a mental promise to be perfect in every way next year, though he felt that the thought was somewhat redundant.

Next he opened Blue’s box, crumpling up the paper as he went and throwing them at the cat. Blue would catch them in his mouth, shake his skull, and then drop them proudly to the ground. Inside Papyrus found a selection of fabric mice. They appeared to be hand stitched, made from a patchwork of fabric, with bits of string for tails. Why had Santa given Blue these?

Frowning, he tossed one into the piles of paper. Blue rocketed off after it, gleefully tearing his way around the living room as he used his paws to bat it this way and that. There was a chuckle from the couch, and he glanced over to see Sans smiling at the cat monster’s antics.

Wordlessly, he passed his brother the box with Stretch scrawled across it. Sans took it with a smile, and Papyrus felt his tension ease a little. Sans tore open the paper recklessly, laying the pieces on top of Stretch like the world’s worst blanket. Stretch just purred and rolled over onto his spine, crumbling the paper under him. Sans pulled the last piece of tape off the box. Leaning over, he stuck it to Stretch’s tail.

There was a moment of calm, a moment where Papyrus could see what was about to happen, but was powerless to stop it. Then, Stretch leapt off the couch, by way of Sans’s lap. Sans yelped and cursed as the large cat clawed his way across his femurs, only to immediately sit down in the floor right next to the couch. He began to lick furiously at his tail, attempting to get the tape off. Sans was laughing again, and Papyrus had to hide a smile behind commentary that he had brought it on himself.

Blue investigated what Stretch was doing, and as soon as the tape was free attacked it enthusiastically. Stretch did not deign to return to the couch, even as Sans finally opened his present. Inside was a stick, of all things. It was a fairly straight and sturdy one, with a hole drilled on one end. The hole had, of all things, a grimy old shoelace tied to it. Papyrus wondered what Santa had been thinking. Sans used the stick to flick the lace at Stretch a few times, but the cat was still mad and ignored him. Sans gave up after only a few tries.

They settled in to relax as the night went on. Blue broke the peace occasionally by taking the fabric mouse in his jaws and throwing it up in the air. Then he would go mad batting it around and jumping after it. As Papyrus was basking the joy of a new Mettaton figure, Stretch got up and began to investigate the piles of wrapping around him. Finding the third box that Papyrus had opened, the large cat put his front paw in it, followed by the other. Papyrus could hear Sans behind him, trying not to laugh, as first one and then the other rear paws joined them.

The four limbs just barely fit, and Stretch looked odd enough with his arms and legs all cramped together like that. There seemed to be a very real possibility that he would just fall over. Then he began to try and sit down. Even Blue seemed to stop and stare as the large cat balanced his mass on the four edges of the box, his limbs very obviously cramped below. After a bit of wiggling, he was satisfied, and began to close his eyes.

Sans had to leave the room, and even from outside, his laughter disturbed Stretch. He swished his tail once before curling it up and around his scapulae and pointedly going to sleep.  
———-  
Sans was snoring away on the couch and Stretch was snoring away in his far too small box. Papyrus finished cleaning up their Gryftmas lasagna and what wrapping paper he could manage without disturbing the other monsters.

He had to wonder why didn't Stretch just sleep in the largest box, though. Papyrus peered inside to the image of a curled up Blue, his ears twitching. The mouse was nestled against his sternum. He raised his skull and just looked at Papyrus, sockets lidded. Lifting the, for once, tired little cat out of the box, Papyrus cradled him in his arms. After grabbing his own gift, he walked upstairs to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are unable to decorate our (fake) tree because the cat LOVES to climb it. She starts at the base of the 'trunk' and just spirals her way up it. Haha. She naps in it, for crying out loud! Of course, she is the best decoration of all. <3


	6. I swear that spot is just like every other spot of the floor, can I please move the couch back now?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cleaning with cats is fun. For the cats. Until it's not. And it doesn't matter if they invited trouble, it's still your fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longest title yet, but omfg is that a thing. 
> 
> Anyways, sorry for the slowness. I am back in school and very busy, so everything it moving extra slow. Sorry! 
> 
> Thank you all for the feedback, and for the fun cat stories. I love reading them, so please share if you have more! I do need an idea for the next chapter. ^_^ 
> 
> Hope you're all doing well. <3

Sans was more than a little nervous. Stretch wasn't what you would call an obedient creature, and there was so very much that could go wrong. It wasn't like Sans could put a leash on him. Even if he did, Stretch usually stood on two leg, towering over Sans by at least a skull. It would look fucking ridiculous!

“TAKE THAT WASTE OF SPACE WITH YOU TOMORROW. IT’S CLEANING DAY AND I CAN'T GET ANYTHING DONE WITH HIM HERE, LAZING ABOUT.”

Papyrus’s voice as he’d said that was odd, like it wasn't the full truth, and desperate. Sans's attempts to explain to his brother that this was a terrible idea were summarily ignored, even after the Doggo incident. So, of course, Sans was doing what Papyrus wanted. He really needed to stop doing that.

“come on, stretch. let's leave captain ocd to do his shit.” Sans grumped as he opened the front door. Stretch followed him without any more prompting, and trailed after him into town.

They got more than a few strange looks, and Sans had to use blue magic on Stretch when he went after a few of the local rabbits. Sans got bitched out for that one. He just about fell over laughing when Stretch dropped to all fours and started his starsdamn pelvis wiggle. He only realized what that meant at the last minute and applied magic to stop him. The rabbits, however, didn't find any of it all that funny.

After rushing through town without any further incidents, though Stretch gave Karl a wide berth, they headed into the forest. Sans relaxed somewhat. Surely with fewer monsters they would have an easier time.

He really should have known better.

\---------

Papyrus heard the front door close with a relieved sigh. Thank the stars he had been able to convince Sans to take the beast. He immediately began tidying the house.

Laundry was started first, so it could run while he took care of everything else. Decluttering, dusting, and windows were completed throughout the morning. Blue followed him around, either demanding attention or attacking his duster. Whenever Papyrus moved something to clean Blue just had to stick his skull in and sniff at the uncovered space. Like it was somehow different from the rest of the house. At least he didn't need to shoo Stretch off every soft surface today.

After a quick break for lunch, Papyrus moved the laundry to the drier and pulled out the vacuum. Blue scampered away and took up residence on the stairs to keep watch. As Papyrus moved across the room, the cat crept up step by step, to maintain an acceptable distance. As silly as Blue was being, this was much preferable to Stretch.

Papyrus was happy to find that the vacuum was still functioning after last time. How embarrassing, if he’d had to take it for repairs and explain why it had scratch marks. He would have had to admit that he had been completely unprepared and unable to handle the situation. It just hadn’t occurred to him that the cats would react that way.

Blue had done just what he was doing now: staying away, watching him warily, and puffing his tail slightly. It was kind of cute, if Papyrus was honest. Stretch had come down and sat on the stairs next to the other cat monster to watch, but seemed otherwise unaffected by the device. The trouble started when Papyrus had moved to the bottom of the stairs. Blue zipped upstairs. Stretch, however, pounced.

The only thing that had saved the vacuum was that the cord came out of the socket during the ensuing chaos. When it stopped making noise Stretch seemed to decide that he had killed it, and sauntered away with a satisfied swish of his tail. Papyrus was left with a thoroughly beat up vacuum and a few claw marks himself.

The large cat could never be in the house on cleaning day. Ever. Again.

\-------

As soon as he heard the barking, he knew he’d screwed up. Stretch perked up at the noise and turned to see Doggamy and Doggersa bounding towards them. Sans watched in horror as he dropped to all fours.

Fortunately, rather than running at them, Swap ran away. Unfortunately, that led to the Doggi to chase him. Thus began the longest, most frustrating hour of Sans’s entire life. He couldn't keep up with them on foot. Once the three animal monsters were on all fours they were pretty damn fast, and he had a feeling Stretch was teleporting. Sans himself had to kept teleporting behind them, bleeding away more and more of his magic.

Finally, panting, exhausted, and more than a little angry, Sans found the two dogs circling a tree. Surprise, surprise, Stretch sat perched atop a branch above them. He hissed down at them periodically, but otherwise looked completely relaxed. His ears were up, tail waving languidly behind him, and eyes lazy. That just pissed Sans off more.

“ya stupid fuckin’ cat, stop that. ya knew exactly what would happen. dog idiots, get outta here!” Sans did his best to sound authoritative and commanding, but was hindered somewhat by the fact that he had to gasp his way through the words.

Stretch, true to form, ignored him and hissed again. The dogs, who had been distracted by Sans, were set off barking again at the large cat. Sans groaned and drew phalanges over his face.

“mutts! get ahold of yourselves and back to your stations or nuzzlin or what-the fuck- ever, and the first round is on me tonight.”

That made the dogs pause, and they looked at him with interest. Sans met them with the least amused look he could muster. Which was very. Dogamy’s ears tucked back, but Dogeresa only cocked her head.

“You mean on Grillby?” She asked. Sans shot her a glare, which sadly didn't faze her. Her husband, however, started to get nervous. After circling her a few times he nudged her away from Sans. Nuzzling him briefly, she gave in and the two ran off.

“Finally,” Sans sighed, turning his attention back to Stretch. The cat had put his head down and appeared to be napping on his branch. At his limit, Sans summoned several bones and sent them into the branch, near the tree. With a resounding crack it split and began to fall.

“MrrrRRRR!” Stretch yelped and suddenly disappeared. He reappeared behind Sans. The skeleton turned to find the cat standing on two feet and looking down at him, disgruntled. Somehow, Sans couldn't call up the will to care.

“Serves ya right,” he snarled. Stretch looked briefly ashamed before he put on his most aloof expression and continued on into the woods. Sans followed a moment later.

——

“WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? OFF DRINKING AT GRILLBY’S?” Papyrus demanded the moment he opened the door. Sans shot him a dirty look. Stretch, ignoring them both, pushed past Sans into the house.

“how could I possibly have, with that idiot?” Sans asked. He pointed at Stretch, who had wandered over to where Papyrus sat on the couch.

“THEN WHERE WERE YOU? DINNER WAS AN HOUR AGO!” Blue was curled up and half in Papyrus’s lap. Stretch laid down next to them, his legs draped over the arm of the couch and his skull on Blue. Blue meowed unhappily, but couldn't be bothered to move.

Papyrus was glaring at Sans, but at Blue’s meow he looked over, growing more aggravated at seeing Stretch.

“NOT YOU TOO!” He moaned, leaning back into the couch, almost looking defeated. Sans couldn't decide if he was confused or amused at the sight of the three of them sleeping on one another. A little of both, really.

“we had to take the long, long way home to avoid the dogs.” Sans replied, confusion overtaking his annoyance. He wasn’t quite sure how to ask what was going on with his brother. It wasn't like the cats had done anything horrible.

“WHA- OH,” Papyrus lifted his skull to look at Sans and then Stretch before letting it fall back again. “WELL THERE’S LASAGNA SITTING ON THE STOVE.”

“oh…kay…” Sans walked away from Papyrus with one socket over his shoulder. His brother was acting strange, like he was somehow trapped on the couch.

It occurred to Sans as he was serving up some of the almost pure black lasagna that Papyrus could be hiding an injury. It would be just like him. He rushed through the rest of getting dinner and walked back into the living room to try and look him over.

Papyrus hadn’t moved, which wasn’t very Papyrus-like. Sans looked him over skull to phalanx, but he couldn’t see any evidence that he was hurt. It would be hard to tell if it was under any part of his battle armor, though.

“WHAT?” Papyrus asked, startling Sans. He looked up at his brother’s skull to find him glaring.

“huh?” Sans managed. Papyrus’s brow bones dropped a little more.

“YOU’RE STARING. WHY?”

Sans flushed at getting caught checking up on his brother and rushed to sit down next to him on the couch. Papyrus followed his progress, as did the now woken Blue. To avoid answering even longer, Sans stuffed a forkful of lasagna into his mouth. It was essentially charcoal, but years of tastebud-killing mustard made him resilient to Papyrus’s cooking. He crunched away at it slowly, to the growing ire of Papyrus.

“WHAT THE FUCK?” Papyrus demanded the instant he swallowed. Sans looked at him, ready with a joke that would be sure to derail this conversation, but stopped short of saying anything.

Even irritated, Papyrus was, very gently, stroking Blue’s skull, rubbing past his ears with each stroke. Each time his hand touched Blue, the cat would close his eyes slightly and then press up into the touch. With silence blanketing the living room, and now that he was paying attention, Sans could hear the rhythmic sound of purring.

“bro?” Sans asked, smirking as he realized just what was going on.

“YES, SANS,” Papyrus replied, exasperated.

“would you mind getting me a glass of milk?”

“A- SANS YOU HATE MILK.” Papyrus eyed him nervously. He should be overjoyed. The number of times he’d lectured Sans about milk and how it helped build strong bones, and if he would just drink it he wouldn't be so frail…

But Papyrus didn't say any of that. He was silent after that outburst, his hand still, resting on the cat. Sans waited, and sure enough his brother’s face went through a series of contortions as he fought down the urge to lecture. It was quite the impressive effort.

All so that he didn't have to disturb Blue.

As tempting as it was to tease Papyrus, Sans decided to enjoy his misery in silence. It would be much more fun to keep making such requests in the future and watch Papyrus squirm. Blue was a cuddler, so he was sure he would have many more opportunities.


	7. You Don't Own It Just Because You're Touching It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a hierarchy in the house and Papyrus and Sans aren't where they think they are in it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was funded by the lovely Sesu ([AO3](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kigachan)|[Tumblr](https://sesurescue.tumblr.com/))! <3 Thank you so much, sweetie.
> 
> And Lyco ([AO3](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfbunny/pseuds/wolfbunny)|[Tumblr](http://nom-the-skel.tumblr.com/)) drew [art for it](http://nom-the-skel.tumblr.com/post/173679211135/some-illustrations-for-this-fic-by)!!!!

Sans stared blankly at Stretch. The cat was licking his teeth repeatedly with the most smug, satisfied look on his dumb skull. He was staring right back at Sans, as if daring him to say anything.

“what was that?” Sans asked, never one to walk away from a dare. Stretch looked down and licked his paw a few times before glancing up as if he was wondering if Sans was still there.

“the fuck did you just eat?” Sans asked again, Stretch’s little innocent act pissing him off. Papyrus kept the kitchen floor pristine, so what could it have been? Sans clearly saw him lick the tile, and now he was sure acting like he had eaten something.

“don't make me pry that maw of yours open,” Sans threatened with an irritated grimace. Stretch only flicked his tail flippantly.

“oh you li’l…” Sans reached for Stretch, but he came up empty. The cat’s, well, cat like reflexes had him across the kitchen already. He didn't run away, just walked calmly to barely out of reach and sat down again.

Sans lunged forward, but all he got again was air. Stretch led him on a chase around the house. Even when Sans used teleportation to try and get the drop on Stretch, he missed. The cat was too fast by any natural measure.

Finally Sans gave up, laying on his back in the middle of the living room while he tried to recover from the activity. Stretch meowed at him, a paw hitting Sans’s arm tentatively. When Sans didn't move, Stretch came and stood over him, looking down inquisitively. His face was cocked slightly and his tail was swishing eagerly behind him.

“were you just…playin’?” Sans gasped. Stretch meowed and licked Sans’s hand. “no, ’m not fuckin’ gettin’ up.”

Stretch sat down on his haunches and tried to stare Sans down, but Sans was too tired to care. The cat could go find Blue if he was that bored.

Except that when Stretch did get up it was to turn in a completely pointless circle and curl up against Sans’s side. Sans smiled at the ceiling and lifted his hand to pet along Stretch’s spine. It took a few pets, but the strong vibration of his purring started to rumble along where Stretch was touching Sans.

“you’re a dumbass,” he murmured affectionately as he felt the purring pull him into sleep. A nap sounded nice, anyways. “better not fuckin’ poison yourself.”

Stretch’s ear twitched, giving the impression that he was listening. Wouldn't that be something.  
—-  
Papyrus glared down at Blue. That blanket needed washing. All of his sheets needed to be washed, but his skull and bones blanket, which had maintained a bit of fluffiness through its stay in the dump, had become Blue’s favorite. He was currently curled up on it, tail tucked around his skull.

It wasn't like Papyrus couldn't move him. Blue was quite a bit smaller than him. He was just… pointy, and when he slept like that Papyrus was always loathe to move him. Laundry, however, waited for no monster.

“BLUE, I REQUIRE THAT YOU MOVE,” he said at last. Blue didn't react at all. “Blue,” Papyrus demanded, speaking louder and more firmly. Blue’s tail raised about and inch and then settled more firmly in front of his face. Papyrus waited, but there was no more movement.

Grumbling about cats who don't know how to respond to a perfectly polite order, Papyrus went to pick Blue up. The tail whipped out and Blue peered up at him, clearly awake. With an annoyed meow he rolled onto his side and gave Papyrus a betrayed look.

“WELL IT'S YOUR FAULT FOR GETTING IN THE WAY,” Papyrus reminded him. He couldn't bring himself to actually finish the move, however. Scowling, he switched tactics and grabbed the edge of the blanket. Blue cocked his skull to watch his hands. Papyrus began to pull the blanket, lifting it to roll Blue off of as he did so.

Blue continued to watch him, body inching along with the blanket. His tail swished up and thrashed down against the blanket, repeating the motion at a steady tempo while his ears twitched with interest.

Suddenly, Blue rolled over onto his paws and launched himself up to swat at Papyrus’s phalanges. Papyrus flinched, but there were no claws. The soft fabric of his gloves met Papyrus’s phalanges harmlessly, but Blue wasn't anywhere near done. He laid back on the blanket so he was laying on the part Papyrus had lifted and batted wildly at Papyrus. His eyelights were wide and bright, ears perked forward, and tail swishing eagerly.

“HOW DARE YOU SWAT AT THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE PAPYRUS,” Papyrus declared and yanked the blanket out from under Blue. The cat went tumbling with an annoyed yowl, but Papyrus was not done.

“THIS IS MINE,” he thrust his hand, the blanket draped over it, into Blue’s face. Blue’s eyelights stared down at it with unerring sharpness. Then, -Papyrus could see it coming in slow motion, but his reflexes were not warmed up enough to dodge the cat’s strike- Blue brought his paw down as hard as he could onto Papyrus’s hand. Blue chirped happily and looked up at Papyrus, a victorious gleam in his socket.

“OH, YOU THINK YOU HAVE BESTED ME? THAT WAS A COWARDLY STRIKE, AND YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED.” Papyrus tossed the blanket up, letting it fall onto the bed between them. Once it was settled he slipped his hand underneath and stretched his fingers. “NOW WE PLAY FOR REAL.”

Blue fell into an aggressive position, his skull low and his pelvis high. His fluffy tail stretched out behind him, the tip twitching thoughtfully. Papyrus smirked. Testing his skill against the cat never failed to amuse him, and this game in particular seemed interesting.

He twitched his hand, wrinkling the blanket just slightly. Blue’s eyelights darted to it and he began to wiggle his pelvis, telegraphing his move. He was such an amateur. Right as he pounced Papyrus slid his hand back, safely out of the way of his descending hands. The look on Blue’s skull was almost comically baffled, his ears swiveling out to listen for the missing prey. It only took him a second, however, to refocus on the lump that was Papyrus’s hand.

This time he didn’t giving any warning, lunging forward to plant his paws to either side of Papyrus’s hand and bite down through the blanket. Startled, Papyrus quickly withdrew it, leaving Blue to gnaw at the empty blanket.

“WELL THAT WASN’T VERY SPORTSMANLIKE,” Papyrus muttered looking his hand over. It was unharmed, only a bit of phantom sting from where teeth had met it. Blue looked up at him, losing interest in the blanket now that he didn’t have any body parts of Papyrus’s to attack. “BUT I’M ON TO YOU NOW.”

It was almost like Blue understood, because he backed up to his original position, crouching down again. He watched the blanket as Papyrus slipped his hand under it. He wasn’t going to idly wait for Blue to strike this time. Concentrating on all of his training, he moved his hand from side to side, giving Blue a moving target.

Blue wasn’t deterred in the least. He did wait longer, watching the movement with surprising calmness. Blue was always hyper and quick to action, but he seemed to be studying Papyrus’s movements. Papyrus felt a brief moment of pride in his cat’s strategic prowess, until his hand was suddenly covered by Blue’s paws, cupped over it like he was going to capture it that way.

Papyrus yanked his hand free, dragging it to the side. Blue was done waiting, and pounced after it with first one paw, which missed, and then the other, which also missed. Smiling at the cat’s antics, Papyrus didn’t disrupt the game, instead drawing his hand back the other way behind Blue. The cat turned his body, contorting to continue chasing his prey. His tail slashed through the air as he frantically scampered after Papyrus.

Eventually, Papyrus ran out of blanket he could reach. It was all bunched and messed up from Blue all but tying himself in knots. He could just pull his hand clear, but he could also hear Undyne telling him to stand his ground. Besides, Blue deserved something for his valiant, and amusing, efforts. Papyrus tried not to show his wince as Blue landed on him one more time and proceeded to chew on his phalanges.

Blue’s teeth were at least as sharp as Papyrus’s own, but the bites were just light enough to not cause any damage. If he were really hunting, he wouldn’t get anywhere with gentle bites like that. Did he know it was a just a game, and that Papyrus had been his prey all along? Surely not, that was just silly.

When it became clear that he had killed the lump in the blanket and it wasn’t going to move any more, Blue let go, sitting back on his legs. His tail tucked around them, making him look almost prim, and he looked up at Papyrus with a questioning meow.  
——  
“heh, he’s gonna hate that one,” Sans snickered, reading the joke a few more times to commit it to memory. The real question was when to use it. The nice thing about Papyrus was that he was dedicated to his routine, so he was always predictable. Sans could plan jokes around his day without too much fear that Papyrus wouldn’t behave as expected. He was just so… Papyrus.

“Merow!” A loud meow startled him and he clutched the book a little tighter. Sans was sitting on his bed, the book in his lap, facing the doorway, but he had been so caught up in his plans that he hadn’t even noticed Blue wandering into the room. Now the cat was sitting right next to Sans, looking at him expectantly.

“What’da you want?” Sans grumbled. Blue was too active, too much of a troublemaker for Sans’s taste. He would much rather laze around with Stretch. Marking his page with one phalanx, Sans used his other hand to make a shooing gesture. “go away. ’m busy.”

Blue tilted his skull at Sans as if calling Sans out on the fact that he was very much not busy. Sans scowled at him. It didn’t matter, he still didn’t want to deal with Blue. Opening his book back up, Sans decided to just ignore him and get on with finding jokes to annoy Papyrus with. Blue meowed a few more times, but Sans just stared at his book. He’d get bored and walk away soon.

Except he didn’t. Suddenly Blue’s skull was shoved under Sans’s arm, followed by the rest of his body. He walked right over Sans’s book without any concern for how wrinkled it got.

“what th’ fuck, stop that!” Sans tried to use his elbow to push Blue away from him, but the cat was far too wriggly and he couldn’t get an angle that worked. Blue forced his way onto Sans’s lap and sat down, completely blocking him from looking at anything but Blue’s stupid skull and his stupid ears. Then his tail came up and smacked Sans right in the side of the skull, damn near suffocating him with fur.

It wasn’t over, either. Blue immediately stood back up and walked in three completely pointless circles directly on top of Sans’s book. Each rotation meant another thwack of his tail into Sans’s face and more long blue fur deposited onto his jacket. It finally ended with Blue resettling facing Sans and licking right up his nasal bone.

“oh stars, gross,” Sans gave up on holding the book and rubbed his face, getting more fur on his jacket sleeve. “get offa me.” Blue merped, sounding far too cheerful, and butted his head against Sans’s mandible instead. He repeated the motion a few times, rubbing his face against Sans’s, before turning one more time to curl up into a circle in his lap, book still tragically trapped underneath him.

“if you wanna nap there’s a perfectly good bed right here, or in papyrus’s room, or th’ couch. the couch ’s a good place to nap.” Sans nudged Blue with his hands trying to urge him off his lap. Blue didn’t listen, his tail still weaving around behind him. When nothing more happened he stuck his skull out and ran it into Sans’s hand, nudging the hand up over his skull.

“an’ now you want pets?” Sans grumbled, but started to stroke between the ears lazily. Blue was so demanding. Well, so was Stretch, but Blue was even worse. Usually Papyrus got the brunt of it, but he was probably out right now. “just for a little.”

Blue started to softly purr, his tail finally settling around his body. Sans continued to grumpily pet him, phalanges trailing down his back and into the soft fur of his tail. The purring grew in volume, vibrating through Sans.

“was reading that, y’know,” he grumbled further, voice dipping in volume and tone. If anything, that made Blue purr a little louder. Sans continued to make grumbling noises, with less and less coherency as Blue’s purring tugged him towards sleep as well. “yyyer a pain in the…” Sans lost his train of thought as he dozed off.  
——  
Papyrus was enjoying the opening notes of Mettaton’s new mid afternoon drama when a thundering noise echoed through the house. Quickly muting the show, he listened closely. Were they under attack?

The noise repeated, now clearly coming from upstairs, starting from the bathroom and traveling down the hallway to the stairs. It stopped before revealing itself, however.

“SANS?” Papyrus called out, not exactly nervously. Cautiously. Sans was supposed to be at work, but it was entirely likely he had decided to ditch. There was no response, but then, if Sans was ditching work, he wouldn’t.

After a few long moments of silence, Papyrus decided that it was Sans, who had stopped whatever he was doing for fear of being discovered being the lazy shit that he was. Well, lucky for him Papyrus was not going to miss another moment of the drama to yell at him. They were supposed to find out who was the father of Mettaton’s baby was.

Turning the volume back on, he settled into the couch to watch his show. Mettaton was arguing with a mirror, clearly standing in as his long lost twin brother. It was always so impressive that the star managed to handle so many characters during live tapings.

The noise happened again, startling Papyrus. He looked up at the ceiling, a deep scowl on his face. Clearly Sans was looking for trouble. As much as Papyrus was loathe to leave his show, he would just have to watch the rerun that evening. He couldn’t enjoy the drama of Mettaton’s love life with that racket.

“VERY WELL,” he stood, walking over to the stairway just in time to see a figure at the top of them dart around the corner and down the hallway. “YOU AREN’T GETTING AWAY FROM ME.” Papyrus stomped up the stairs, his eyelights flashing with annoyance. If Sans didn’t want to be caught, he would have done better to sleep like he always did and leave Papyrus in peace.

The hallway was dark and silent. Papyrus flicked on the light with a sense of apprehension, but there wasn’t anything or anyone there. That only made sense. Sans had ducked into his room. Papyrus slowed his steps, walking as silently as the heavy boots would allow up to his brother’s door.

“SANS!” he roared as he threw open the door, primed to lecture his brother at length about the sanctity of tv time and the importance of knowing who the father was. Except that Sans wasn’t there. His room was completely empty, even when Papyrus kicked around some of the piles of trash. Well then where else could he be? There was a softer skittering noise outside the room, first towards and then back away.

“YOU THINK YOU CAN OUTSMART THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE PAPYRUS?” Papyrus stalked back out into the hall and over to his own bedroom door. “THINK AGAIN! AND BE PREPARED TO FACE MY WRATH FOR DISOBEYING MY CLEAR AND UNEQUIVOCAL SIGNAGE.”

He threw open the door, turning on the light as he stepped inside and struck a frightening pose. Blue, curled up dead center on his bed, lifted his skull and made a sleepy noise somewhere between a meow and a purr. Papyrus felt his anger drain away a little at the sheer cuteness of the cat. He had added Blue to the list of authorized monsters allowed in his bedroom. However, the loosening of the rules did not apply to Sans.

“IS SANS HIDING IN HERE?” He asked Blue. The cat meowed once more and resettled, rolling slightly so that he was laying on his back. Papyrus held himself perfectly still, resisting the temptation, but he couldn’t do it. Walking over to the bed he stroked along Blue’s ribs twice. Blue purred and stretched, but that was all Papyrus had time for. He was on an investigation.

Leaving his room, he closed the door and looked down the hallway. There was only one place left. It was the perfect hiding place, as Sans abhorred any place where he could potentially get clean. Grinning, Papyrus walked into the bathroom and turned on the light. It revealed the crouched form of Stretch, in the shower and half hidden by the curtain.

“MEOW!” The normally quiet and lazy cat let out a caterwaul far beyond anything Papyrus had heard from him before. Their sockets met for just a second, and then Stretch scurried out of the shower and directly at Papyrus. He squeezed through the door past Papyrus, almost knocking him over in the process. Papyrus had to catch himself on the doorframe to stay upright.

As Stretch raced down the hallway the thunderous noise started up again. Papyrus watched him get to the top landing and pause, staring down the stairway. Maybe Sans was there.

“STRETCH, WHAT ARE YOU-” Stretch reacted almost immediately to his name, turning to stare at Papyrus instead. There was something manic in the way his ears kept twitching even though they were flat to his skull and his tail swished back and forth without end.

“MEOW!” He yelled again and began to barrel down the hallway all over again. Papyrus held fast to the doorway, bracing for another impact, but Stretch skidded to a stop before reaching him. The cat hunched over, his skull bent up to stare at Papyrus still.

“IDIOTIC FOOL,” Papyrus growled, annoyed despite the cat stopping this time. “WHAT IN THE HELL HAS YOU SO WORKED UP?”

“MEROW!” Stretch replied and then lept to run back to the stairs, this time taking the corner so fast Papyrus heard a thump from him hitting the far wall. That didn’t faze him one bit, however, and he took off down the stairs, carrying his chaos to the rest of the house.

“YOU’D BETTER NOT BE THINKING ABOUT BREAKING ANYTHING!” Papyrus shouted, taking off after him.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Check out my [tumblr](http://idontevenknowwhattoputhereugh.tumblr.com/) for: me rambling about writing, fontcest reblogs, teasers for fics, and me throwing ideas like this one at my followers and seeing what sticks.


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